my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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