The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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