I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
