This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
