Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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