some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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