How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
