I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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