The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
