it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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