I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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