There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
