i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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