She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
