Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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