Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
