I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Randomize
