Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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