Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Someone shattered a urinal.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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