I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
