Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
