im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
