i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
