And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
