I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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