Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
