Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
