my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You made out with two different species that night
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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