No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
