He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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