They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
