God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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