Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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