No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
