I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
