At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
