He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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