He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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