So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
