Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
