I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
