Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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