I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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