all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
