I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pants are for mortals
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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