I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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