she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
