I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
