there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
