I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
