btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
