hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
