you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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