between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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