You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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