someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
