i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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