I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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