Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
