Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
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It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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