i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think i got beer on your cat.
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